


in all the ways i can and can't

by halfwheeze



Series: Winteriron Bingo 2019 (Round 1) [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, First Kiss, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Not lovers because they're kids but they're dating or whatever, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 21:14:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18269453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwheeze/pseuds/halfwheeze
Summary: bucky asks tony out and tony has an anxiety attack - you know, the best reaction when a cute boy asks you out, right?





	in all the ways i can and can't

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for anxiety and negative self talk!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> This is my fill for Winteriron Bingo Square N2: Humiliation!

A hand grabs onto his, shiny and metal, and something is already wrong. Tony is not having a good anxiety day; he keeps hearing Howard’s voice ringing through his head, keeps hearing a thousand voices telling him he’s not good enough, and this does not help. As much as Bucky Barnes is usually the antithesis to Tony’s worst thoughts, they’ve never talked about the way that they dance around each other, and they’ve never talked about  _ anything,  _ even so much as the way that Bucky always talks him through the worst of himself. Bucky grabs his hand and turns him a little bit, which he does often enough, but usually by grabbing Tony’s shoulder, and it’s so much. 

“Hey, doll. I was wondering… do you maybe want to go to the movies with me Friday night?” Bucky asks, and Tony’s brain just overloads. He hates that he does this sometimes, but he just  _ freezes,  _ point blank and awful, and he wishes Bucky hadn’t asked him in public. It would have been fine in the confines of the places they share - Steve’s basement, Clint’s backyard, Tony’s own workshop, Bucky’s bedroom. It would have been fine, but here, where there are classmates everywhere and the sheer fucking volume makes Tony feel like he’s going to drop out of his skin and onto the floor

Tony feels like he’s choking on air, and there’s nothing more  _ humiliating  _ than feeling like this in public, with all of these people surrounding him and being in his space and making him want to die. It feels like he’s been gargling barbed wire and he wants to  _ die,  _ he wants to disappear, he wants to  _ leave.  _ Instead, there’s a boy with big blue eyes looking at him like he’s worth the world, and Tony wants to live in that look, but he can’t. He can’t do this. He can’t be right here, he can’t be right now. 

“I can’t,” he rasps, dewy  _ tears  _ already making their way out of his tear ducts, and  _ fuck that.  _ He takes his hand out of Bucky’s and makes his way out of the cafeteria at a steady speed walk, enough to get him out quickly but not enough to attract too much attention. He hears Bucky’s voice calling him, then Jan’s as he passes the table their friends are sat at, and Bruce’s as he’s almost out the door. He doesn’t care. He feels like he’s going to vomit, and he left his lunch on the table next to Janet (he was only going back up to the line to get napkins, he was only away from the table for a second), and this is so dumb. 

A cute boy asked him out to a movie and he’s having a panic attack because of  _ bad timing.  _ He’s pissed at Bucky, pissed at himself, pissed at every single person who has a B lunch, and, once again, pissed at himself. He goes to the bathroom on the science hall (the source of all comfort in this godforsaken place, the science hall has the labs and the teachers who like him and this is fine, this is  _ fine)  _ and hides in a stall because his life is a high school drama movie, perching on one of the bars attached to the stall wall and setting his feet against the opposite wall. There’s only a few moments of blessed silence before someone is slamming into the room, shoes hitting the tiles at a rush. 

“Tony, sweetheart, I know you’re in here. I just wanna say that I’m sorry. I jus’ wanna see that you’re okay, and I promise I’ll go,” Bucky says, his voice low and coming in like the tide, and most days Tony wants to be swept away in it. Today, Tony’s breathing isn’t coming in right, and his fingers are digging into his palms and he’s trying to quiet himself enough that Bucky doesn’t know he’s there at all. He hears Bucky shuffle forward and he knows that the other boy isn’t going away. He’s surprised by Bucky’s lingering outside of his stall, a light sound like Bucky’s forehead resting against the door as he sighs out a breath. 

“I’ll leave you alone after this, I promise. We can go back to bein’ regular friends or I can keep my distance, whatever you want. I won’ even call you any stupid nicknames or get in your space. I’m sorry that I thought that you bein’ a friend was somethin’ else. Just don’ let me be the one who ruined your day, Tony. I’ll never do anythin’ like this again,” Bucky promises, low and slow, and Tony’s heart breaks a little. He wishes he was brave enough to open the door, to kiss Bucky soft and slow, to give him what he deserves. Instead, he still can’t breathe, and he fucking hates himself. 

“Don’t go,” he forces himself to say, because Bucky deserves at least that much. Bucky leans further against the door, making it rest on its hinges, and something in Tony aches for the fact that he doesn’t actually leave. 

“You alright in there, darlin? Anythin’ I can do?” Bucky asks. Tony wishes he was brave. Instead, the humiliation is still hot in his throat, cloying as it sticks to his insides, and it’s not Bucky’s fault. He wants to be so  _ angry  _ at Bucky that that almost makes him angry instead, but Bucky does not deserve his ire. He  _ is  _ interested in Bucky, and he’s not been shy about showing it; they’ve flirted and sat together and gone on what could be construed as double dates with Clint and Bruce, even held hands on a ferris wheel while Bucky freaked out about the height. Tony puts his feet on the floor and puts his forehead against the door, maybe just a centimeter of plastic away from this boy who likes him, and he wants to break down. 

“Just stay,” he asks of this boy who deserves better, and he can hear the little huff that Bucky does when he smiles sometimes, when someone asks him to do something he was already going to do. Bucky Barnes deserves someone who doesn’t freak out at the oddest times even though he’s the one doing freaky shit most of the time, someone who doesn’t lose it at the slightest change in routine, someone who doesn’t think about the end of everything at least once a day. 

“Not goin’ anywhere, Tones. You got me,” Bucky promises, and Tony slips his hand down to unlock the door, to which Bucky immediately moves to pull it open. He only hesitates for a second before pulling Tony into a tight hug, gathering Tony up onto his toes as Bucky hauls him up just another inch (Bucky is only an inch taller than Tony, but so much  _ bigger,  _ and he always feels all-encompassing when they hug). Tony sinks into it and he knows that he’s getting tears on Bucky’s flannel, but Bucky obviously does not care one bit. He just squeezes Tony closer and strokes his hair with metal fingers, whispering into his hair. 

“I’m sorry,” Tony mutters into Bucky’s shoulder, his own arms trailed around Bucky’s neck. He feels Bucky pull away a little but he doesn’t want him to go, doesn’t want anymore  _ distance,  _ doesn’t want to feel so fucking  _ alone.  _ He doesn’t want to ruin things like he knows he’s so good at doing, and Bucky can’t be something he ruins. 

“Sugar, I need you to look at me, okay? There’s no reason to be sorry. I shouldn’t’ve asked you in public. I know how that can be for you sometimes, okay? I shouldn’t have put you in a position like that. And, if you really wanna say no, you can. Even if you actually do like me, it doesn’ have to mean anythin’. We don’ have to be anythin’ right now,” Bucky gives him an out, gives him so many outs, and it makes Tony wonder if Bucky already regrets asking. He swallows down his doubt and nuzzles his nose into Bucky’s throat instead, breathing in the comforting scent he finds there. 

“I wanna go to the movies, I just… hard morning,” Tony tries to explain inadequately, muffled by both his inability to keep his voice straight and Bucky’s own body. A hand strokes down his back as if to calm him, and Bucky Barnes just has to be the most understanding, perfect teenage boy to ever live. 

“Alright, honey. You think we can go eat lunch with our friends? I don’ want you missin’ any meals; you don’ eat enough as it is,” Bucky fusses, pulling away just barely and grazing a kiss over Tony’s cheek. Tony, completely unable to just let that go, frames Bucky’s face with his hands and presses a kiss to the boy’s lips with full false confidence, moving his hands back and lacing his fingers through Bucky’s hair. 

He has kissed someone before, kissed many people before, but none of them have been Bucky Barnes, and none of them have mattered quite so much as the little noise Bucky makes as their lips collide, the feeling of metal fingers framing the back of his shoulder. Bucky pulls away from him before it can get too heavy, leaving them with the sweetest first kiss that Tony has ever experienced. Bucky leans their foreheads together and flashes Tony a sweet smile before pulling away from him more, grabbing his hand. 

“Let’s go have lunch,” Bucky says, and Tony would follow him anywhere. 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt me @halfwheeze on tumblr or in the comments below!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
